There are some nights I want to walk away from you. Like a child who doesn’t get their way- I take my toys and pout all the way home. But then something brings me to prayer and you gently whisper “so, who are you talking to”. Then the rain pours and I sit in wonder as to who the thunder is crying out to. I know deep in my soul that the only answer is you.
Archive for April, 2011
Meant for More
2011
04.30
04.30
Do you ever sit there and think to yourself “I was meant for something more than this”? In a totally non-cocky way I feel this way all the time and I was able to express that tonight within a close knit community and the honest question of “well then what are you meant for” was met with just as honest of an answer of ” I don’t really know”.
This question has nagged at me for years, and continues to nag at me in more recent months worse than before but I don’t know what the solution could be. Just recently I wrote about trying to figure out what defines me and how I don’t know how to define myself apart from my job. I got a great response from Josh that got me thinking more about it. His answer really resounded with me but it was incomplete. I realized also that much of why I am driven to work harder is because I feel like I am meant for more than what I am doing and maybe if I work harder at what I am doing then I will achieve that greatness. But it seems to me this race I am running is futile. Not that what I am doing is pointless (I don’t believe that at all) it’s just the running for something more- that seems pointless and in the way that I am pursuing it-that too seems pointless.
I feel like I can do my job well and I will work hard at it. But I don’t know that I could say that I am great at it. I did my catering job really well but it too seemed incomplete and as though I wasnt not truly great there either and the list could go on with my acting, tennis playing, YMCA job, academic studies, my retail job, my ability to teach/preach. I work hard at all of them but it all seems short of what I am meant to be. I can do them all well but never great.
Most days I feel like i am so close to finding what God has for me but at the same time so far away that it drives me mad. The worst part is that I have no solution.
I feel like I was meant for more or was born to be somebody (so to speak) I just have no idea what or who that is….
Hold The Light
2011
04.24
04.24
Today’s song of the day is a Caedmons Call song entitled “Hold the Light”. It reminds me of a dear friend who even in a “funk” reflects the love of the divine more than he will ever realize.
It’s been a long year
Like a long sleepless night.
Jacob wrestled the angel,
but I’m too tired to fight.
Every wednesday
for two years we’ve met.
I’ve showed you all my anger
my doubts and bitterness.
There was no judgement in your eyes
just the silent peace of God,
that felt so real in you.
Will you hold the light for me?
Will you hold the light for me?
And I stay up late
because I cannot sleep.
I don’t want to face the quiet
where its just God and me.
I’m waiting for the gavel
handing me the sentence down,
because I don’t believe forgiveness
or even repentance now.
There was no judgement in your eyes
Just the silent peace of God,
that felt so real in you.
Will you hold the light for me?
Will you hold the light for me?
I want to feel redemption
flowing through my veins.
I want to see with clear eyes
beyond lust and hate.
I want the war to be over,
and know the good guys won,
and I want love to hold me
to know I’m not alone.
Standing around a willow weeping,
we were praying in the backyard.
In the chill of the night
the friendship light reminded me who we are
…who we are, who we are
Will you hold the light?
Will you hold the light for me?
Me & Israel
2011
04.10
04.10
This post will be short. Thoughts shallow. Words honest.
I read the old testament and so often I want to grab the people of Israel by the neck and shake them. They are quick to forget all that God had done for them and how he delivered them time and time again. It’s so frustrating to watch them walk away time and time again.
It hasn’t even been a week since Passion and I find myself upset, heart breaking, & a few tears trickling down my face. all because some stupid tv show had a funeral on it. The main character wrestling with the words to say at the service. It felt like I snapped right back to where I was before. I hate this! Its a stupid TV show!!
I feel like Israel I’ve forgotten so quickly. Maybe the pain is deeper than I want to admit, but I don’t want to dwell here. The taste of freedom was so sweet and I want it to linger on my lips longer than it did. I don’t want to forget like them- I want to be better than that. Jesus came so that we can overcome but I keep running back just like Israel did.
I guess I’m starting to understand that the people of Israel weren’t as stupid as I thought. They were just humans granted much needed grace from the Divine.
….so much for a short post.
Day 0
2011
04.06
04.06
For those of you know *cough* Tiffany *cough* today is day 0. My voice is pretty much in tact for tonight. But the overwhelming sense of panic is flying through my veins. What the heck was I thinking doing this tonight?!?
But even as write this my heart rejoices because a greater mission was accomplished. 4 guys who desperately needed community gained it by acting stupid with one another. And an exhausted youth pastor found something to turn his attention to other than his worried heart. it’s funny how this joke turned out to be something all of us needed but didn’t know we needed.
….but I’m still freaking out!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Road to Recovery
2011
04.05
04.05
Every year for the past 6 or so years Ive participated in lent. It has always been a great experience. There is something unique about this season given to us from the liturgical church that seems to truly hone in on the great highs and lows of the days leading into Easter. But I realized this year I did it because I expected myself to. It’s a discipline and being the perfectionist that I am anything that will help get me “closer to perfection” is something I will pursue. However over the weekend it really hit me how in the ridiculous expectations i have for myself I leave little room for grace in my life. This I determined was the source of troubles in my relationship with Jesus. He is the sweet giver of grace and I continually throw it back at him, not maliciously but simply because I thought I was not deserving of it (which is true and false simultaneously). Now hold that thought it will come back around.
I left Passion determined I would work on many things that God had made clear to me were in need of repair. The first of a long list was learning to extend grace to myself. In fact while still attending Passion I knew I needed to practice this in order to receive more of what God had prepared for me during the conference.
Here is how I began working on this…
first I ditched my family group time. This was hard for me to do because it is supposed to be an integral part of the Passion experience but I learned early into the weekend I didn’t need more people time, I needed an encounter with the living Christ… A personal, intimate, and long overdue encounter. Ditching my family group provided not one but many opportunities for that to happen. I persisted in leaving those times despite the constant guilt trips/lecture from the students who attended with me. It was hard but necessary. I persisted because the first time was so sweet and refreshing. I left and walked around downtown…just me and Jesus in beautiful sunny 75degree weather. We talked for a long time which at one point brought me directly to the door of a Starbucks. This brings me to the second step.
Remember that thought I told you to hang onto? Well this year for lent I gave up caffeine. Normally I am very strict with lent. I don’t even use the celebration days. I take it very seriously because I’m a perfectionist. But as I walked around downtown sleepy from my lack of sleep over the past two weeks. I saw the Starbucks and craved it desperately. As I began to plan an alternate route to avoid the delicious aroma of my favorite caffeinated beverage; God whispered to my heart “the last thing you need right now is more discipline. You need more grace”. I took a few moments outside the door pretending to be on my phone texting so it didn’t look awkward as I paced in front of the door trying to discern if it was my sleepiness or the holy spirit telling me to get Starbucks. After determining it was God prompting my heart I walked in and ordered a grande caramel macchiato. Now I still couldn’t drink it right away, partially because it was too hot but I also hadnt resolved to quitting on lent just yet. I walked, warm cup in hand, to a nearby fountain. It was positioned in such a way that downtown seemed to disappear. The collapsing water spouts drowned out the sounds of the city streets. It was here that Jesus seemed to find me again. – I know technically Jesus will never (nor is able to) lose me but that’s how it felt and that’s how I’m going to say it. – so it was here that Jesus seemed to find me again. He met me in the stillness of the moment, whispered to my broken heart, and extended a hand of grace that waited patiently for me to take a sip of my drink. I know that sounds ridiculous but this coffee was more than breaking lent….
….It was about letting go.
Letting go of all the blame I’d stored up
Letting go of all the guilt I put on myself
Letting go of the small savior I’d built who offered small grace.
Letting go of the large part of me that was not Jesus living within
…it was about letting go.
I held the warm cup in my hand. Slowly lifted it towards my face. The sweet aroma of caramel and vanilla grew stronger as it drew near. The lid gently touched my lips. I closed my eyes and took a sip. All i tasted was the sweet taste of grace.
It was then that I was able to fully embrace the weekend. I set myself up on the road to recovery and didn’t look back
Thoughts From Passion Pt. 4
2011
04.04
04.04
Acts 9. So many people want to be “paul” but we cannot neglect the role of anninias in this process. Some one needs to be the one whom commissions and prays. His role, though different, was just as important as Pauls. His name was spoken and printed in red just like Paul. He was chosen as gods appointed instrument just as Paul. It was just a different role.
It has seemed as though this year God has been against us/me…maybe all the suffering and hurts have been for the exact opposite reason. We have suffered because we are for him and he is for us
Even among 10000 people he will still answer your question
Thoughts From Passion Pt.3
2011
04.03
04.03
Waiting Here For You by Christy Nockels
If faith can move the mountains
Let the mountains move
We come with expectation
Waiting here for You, waiting here for You
You’re the Lord of all creation
And still You know my heart
The Author of Salvation
You’ve loved us from the start
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it’s You we adore
Singing Alleluia
You are everything You’ve promised
Your faithfulness is true
And we’re desperate for Your presence
All we need is You
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it’s You we adore
Singing Alleluia
Singing Alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it’s You we adore
Singing Alleluia
Thoughts From Passion pt. 2
2011
04.02
04.02
Death is sweetness
– for me, to live is Christ and to die is gain
Return to history of myself
– love of Jesus
– love of the word
– led by spirit more than my plans
– how we screwed up the picture of the church from what it once was.
– living a life worthy of the Gospel amongst the temptation of comfort
– no fear
The picture of the ‘moment’
– the ride back from tides
– singing Charlie hall song. Seeing Jesus grab nick by his hand, seeing them walk together
– this is the moment and ties in death is sweetness
Big dreams can be practical and immediate.
– sometimes it’s just being led by the spirit and taking them (the students) by the hand.
Life and death, for myself or for others is not in my hands.
– the breath I take each moment is because God says it is mine to have but the moment he chooses not to give me another I will cease to breathe and I have no control over that.
My life and Francis’ has more in common than I ever knew. Kinda cool.
Thoughts from passion pt.1
2011
04.02
04.02
1- I’ve lived in a way that reflects that in my mind grace is for everyone but me. Which I believe means I’m far more angry at myself than I am God.
2- the students I serve have become my God. I run to their call, their desires, I let their will dictate my own, and it’s all because I love them with everything I am. Though I should continue to love them with everything I can. They are improperly positioned in my life. This MUST change.
3- I believe adults become more passive because they forget to dream big.
4- God has given me dreams and talents and they largely go unused due to fear. This too must change.