Every year for the past 6 or so years Ive participated in lent. It has always been a great experience. There is something unique about this season given to us from the liturgical church that seems to truly hone in on the great highs and lows of the days leading into Easter. But I realized this year I did it because I expected myself to. It’s a discipline and being the perfectionist that I am anything that will help get me “closer to perfection” is something I will pursue. However over the weekend it really hit me how in the ridiculous expectations i have for myself I leave little room for grace in my life. This I determined was the source of troubles in my relationship with Jesus. He is the sweet giver of grace and I continually throw it back at him, not maliciously but simply because I thought I was not deserving of it (which is true and false simultaneously). Now hold that thought it will come back around.
I left Passion determined I would work on many things that God had made clear to me were in need of repair. The first of a long list was learning to extend grace to myself. In fact while still attending Passion I knew I needed to practice this in order to receive more of what God had prepared for me during the conference.
Here is how I began working on this…
first I ditched my family group time. This was hard for me to do because it is supposed to be an integral part of the Passion experience but I learned early into the weekend I didn’t need more people time, I needed an encounter with the living Christ… A personal, intimate, and long overdue encounter. Ditching my family group provided not one but many opportunities for that to happen. I persisted in leaving those times despite the constant guilt trips/lecture from the students who attended with me. It was hard but necessary. I persisted because the first time was so sweet and refreshing. I left and walked around downtown…just me and Jesus in beautiful sunny 75degree weather. We talked for a long time which at one point brought me directly to the door of a Starbucks. This brings me to the second step.
Remember that thought I told you to hang onto? Well this year for lent I gave up caffeine. Normally I am very strict with lent. I don’t even use the celebration days. I take it very seriously because I’m a perfectionist. But as I walked around downtown sleepy from my lack of sleep over the past two weeks. I saw the Starbucks and craved it desperately. As I began to plan an alternate route to avoid the delicious aroma of my favorite caffeinated beverage; God whispered to my heart “the last thing you need right now is more discipline. You need more grace”. I took a few moments outside the door pretending to be on my phone texting so it didn’t look awkward as I paced in front of the door trying to discern if it was my sleepiness or the holy spirit telling me to get Starbucks. After determining it was God prompting my heart I walked in and ordered a grande caramel macchiato. Now I still couldn’t drink it right away, partially because it was too hot but I also hadnt resolved to quitting on lent just yet. I walked, warm cup in hand, to a nearby fountain. It was positioned in such a way that downtown seemed to disappear. The collapsing water spouts drowned out the sounds of the city streets. It was here that Jesus seemed to find me again. – I know technically Jesus will never (nor is able to) lose me but that’s how it felt and that’s how I’m going to say it. – so it was here that Jesus seemed to find me again. He met me in the stillness of the moment, whispered to my broken heart, and extended a hand of grace that waited patiently for me to take a sip of my drink. I know that sounds ridiculous but this coffee was more than breaking lent….
….It was about letting go.
Letting go of all the blame I’d stored up
Letting go of all the guilt I put on myself
Letting go of the small savior I’d built who offered small grace.
Letting go of the large part of me that was not Jesus living within
…it was about letting go.
I held the warm cup in my hand. Slowly lifted it towards my face. The sweet aroma of caramel and vanilla grew stronger as it drew near. The lid gently touched my lips. I closed my eyes and took a sip. All i tasted was the sweet taste of grace.
It was then that I was able to fully embrace the weekend. I set myself up on the road to recovery and didn’t look back
This makes my heart smile.
<3:)
^^^ is the emoticon for a smiling heart.
Sure why not…either that or it’s a really complicated math problem
I needed to read that. Thanks for letting God speak through you like He so often does, even from miles away.