Archive for the ‘recent’ Category

If I could write a song


2011
12.01

If I could write a song right now they be very similar to these songs-

Every Season- -

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

I Am -

Pencil marks on a wall
I wasn’t always this tall,
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed,
You watched my team win,
You watched my team lose,
You watched when my bicycle went down again,

CHORUS:
And When I was weak unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Elbow healer, Superhero,
come if You can,” and You said “I am”

Only 16, life is so mean, what kind of curfew is at ten PM
You saw my mistakes, You watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again

CHORUS:
When I was weak, unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Heart-ache Healer, Secret-keeper,
be my Best Friend” and You said “I am”

You saw me wear white, by pale candlelight,
I said forever to what lies ahead
two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
too much it might seem when it’s two AM

CHORUS:
when I am weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
hold on to my hand,” and You say “I am.”

The winds of change,
And circumstance blow in and all around
us so we find a foothold that’s familiar,
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne, who can say when,
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

CHORUS:
I will be weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and
the End, I am, yes, I am.”

Oh Great God -

oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now
there were times when i was crying
from the dark of daniel’s den
and i have asked you once or twice
if you would part the sea again
but tonight i do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know you’re gonna hold me if i start to cry
oh, great god, be small enough to hear me now

oh, great god, be close enough to feel you now
there have been moments when i could not
face goliath on my own
and how could i forget we’ve marched around
our share of jerichos
but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright
oh great god, be close enough to feel you now

all praise and all honor be
to the god of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
“are you there?”

and i know you could leave writing on the wall
thats just for me
or send wisdom while i’m sleeping,
like in soloman’s sweet dreams
but i don’t need the strength of samson
or a chariot in the end
just want to know that you still know how many hairs
are on my head
oh great god, be small enough to hear me now

3 Words


2011
05.23

I love to ask questions. Many times I go through a period of asking everybody the same question. Right now im in one of those phases.

The question:
What three words currently describe you? Not your emotions, but you as a person.

What are your 3 words?

Road to Recovery pt.2


2011
05.10

“it was a bathtub back in new York, reading Italian words aloud from a dictionary, that I first started mending my soul. My life had gone to bits and I was so unrecognizable to myself that I probably couldn’t have picked me out of a police lineup. But I felt a glimmer of happiness when I started studying Italian, and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face first out of the dirt– this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight”
-Elizabeth Gilbert

My book is not an Italian dictionary. It’s much more embarrassing than that, but it is my slight happiness. It is reminding me to dream again (which was one of my goals) in a lot of ways it is my few pages of escapism each night. I look forward to the nights calm enough (and I’ve maintained enough energy to stay up a little later) to drift off to Italy with the 34yr old who escaped life to eat and experience the pleasure of truly finding what it means to live again. I long for that, unfortunately I’m not there yet, but the nights I read i am there and it’s nice.

Yeah…It’s nice.

Tomorrow we go to India together.

Me & Israel


2011
04.10

This post will be short. Thoughts shallow. Words honest.

I read the old testament and so often I want to grab the people of Israel by the neck and shake them. They are quick to forget all that God had done for them and how he delivered them time and time again. It’s so frustrating to watch them walk away time and time again.

It hasn’t even been a week since Passion and I find myself upset, heart breaking, & a few tears trickling down my face. all because some stupid tv show had a funeral on it. The main character wrestling with the words to say at the service. It felt like I snapped right back to where I was before. I hate this! Its a stupid TV show!!

I feel like Israel I’ve forgotten so quickly. Maybe the pain is deeper than I want to admit, but I don’t want to dwell here. The taste of freedom was so sweet and I want it to linger on my lips longer than it did. I don’t want to forget like them- I want to be better than that. Jesus came so that we can overcome but I keep running back just like Israel did.

I guess I’m starting to understand that the people of Israel weren’t as stupid as I thought. They were just humans granted much needed grace from the Divine.

….so much for a short post.

Day 0


2011
04.06

For those of you know *cough* Tiffany *cough* today is day 0. My voice is pretty much in tact for tonight. But the overwhelming sense of panic is flying through my veins. What the heck was I thinking doing this tonight?!?

But even as write this my heart rejoices because a greater mission was accomplished. 4 guys who desperately needed community gained it by acting stupid with one another. And an exhausted youth pastor found something to turn his attention to other than his worried heart. it’s funny how this joke turned out to be something all of us needed but didn’t know we needed.

….but I’m still freaking out!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Road to Recovery


2011
04.05

Every year for the past 6 or so years Ive participated in lent. It has always been a great experience. There is something unique about this season given to us from the liturgical church that seems to truly hone in on the great highs and lows of the days leading into Easter. But I realized this year I did it because I expected myself to. It’s a discipline and being the perfectionist that I am anything that will help get me “closer to perfection” is something I will pursue. However over the weekend it really hit me how in the ridiculous expectations i have for myself I leave little room for grace in my life. This I determined was the source of troubles in my relationship with Jesus. He is the sweet giver of grace and I continually throw it back at him, not maliciously but simply because I thought I was not deserving of it (which is true and false simultaneously). Now hold that thought it will come back around.

I left Passion determined I would work on many things that God had made clear to me were in need of repair. The first of a long list was learning to extend grace to myself. In fact while still attending Passion I knew I needed to practice this in order to receive more of what God had prepared for me during the conference.

Here is how I began working on this…

first I ditched my family group time. This was hard for me to do because it is supposed to be an integral part of the Passion experience but I learned early into the weekend I didn’t need more people time, I needed an encounter with the living Christ… A personal, intimate, and long overdue encounter. Ditching my family group provided not one but many opportunities for that to happen. I persisted in leaving those times despite the constant guilt trips/lecture from the students who attended with me. It was hard but necessary. I persisted because the first time was so sweet and refreshing. I left and walked around downtown…just me and Jesus in beautiful sunny 75degree weather. We talked for a long time which at one point brought me directly to the door of a Starbucks. This brings me to the second step.

Remember that thought I told you to hang onto? Well this year for lent I gave up caffeine. Normally I am very strict with lent. I don’t even use the celebration days. I take it very seriously because I’m a perfectionist. But as I walked around downtown sleepy from my lack of sleep over the past two weeks. I saw the Starbucks and craved it desperately. As I began to plan an alternate route to avoid the delicious aroma of my favorite caffeinated beverage; God whispered to my heart “the last thing you need right now is more discipline. You need more grace”. I took a few moments outside the door pretending to be on my phone texting so it didn’t look awkward as I paced in front of the door trying to discern if it was my sleepiness or the holy spirit telling me to get Starbucks. After determining it was God prompting my heart I walked in and ordered a grande caramel macchiato. Now I still couldn’t drink it right away, partially because it was too hot but I also hadnt resolved to quitting on lent just yet. I walked, warm cup in hand, to a nearby fountain. It was positioned in such a way that downtown seemed to disappear. The collapsing water spouts drowned out the sounds of the city streets. It was here that Jesus seemed to find me again. – I know technically Jesus will never (nor is able to) lose me but that’s how it felt and that’s how I’m going to say it. – so it was here that Jesus seemed to find me again. He met me in the stillness of the moment, whispered to my broken heart, and extended a hand of grace that waited patiently for me to take a sip of my drink. I know that sounds ridiculous but this coffee was more than breaking lent….

….It was about letting go.

Letting go of all the blame I’d stored up
Letting go of all the guilt I put on myself
Letting go of the small savior I’d built who offered small grace.
Letting go of the large part of me that was not Jesus living within

…it was about letting go.

I held the warm cup in my hand. Slowly lifted it towards my face. The sweet aroma of caramel and vanilla grew stronger as it drew near. The lid gently touched my lips. I closed my eyes and took a sip. All i tasted was the sweet taste of grace.

It was then that I was able to fully embrace the weekend. I set myself up on the road to recovery and didn’t look back

Thoughts From Passion Pt. 4


2011
04.04

Acts 9. So many people want to be “paul” but we cannot neglect the role of anninias in this process. Some one needs to be the one whom commissions and prays. His role, though different, was just as important as Pauls. His name was spoken and printed in red just like Paul. He was chosen as gods appointed instrument just as Paul. It was just a different role.

It has seemed as though this year God has been against us/me…maybe all the suffering and hurts have been for the exact opposite reason. We have suffered because we are for him and he is for us

Even among 10000 people he will still answer your question

Thoughts From Passion Pt.3


2011
04.03

Waiting Here For You by Christy Nockels

If faith can move the mountains
Let the mountains move
We come with expectation
Waiting here for You, waiting here for You
You’re the Lord of all creation
And still You know my heart
The Author of Salvation
You’ve loved us from the start
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it’s You we adore
Singing Alleluia
You are everything You’ve promised
Your faithfulness is true
And we’re desperate for Your presence
All we need is You
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it’s You we adore
Singing Alleluia
Singing Alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it’s You we adore
Singing Alleluia

Thoughts From Passion pt. 2


2011
04.02

Death is sweetness
– for me, to live is Christ and to die is gain

Return to history of myself
– love of Jesus
– love of the word
– led by spirit more than my plans
– how we screwed up the picture of the church from what it once was.
– living a life worthy of the Gospel amongst the temptation of comfort
– no fear

The picture of the ‘moment’
– the ride back from tides
– singing Charlie hall song. Seeing Jesus grab nick by his hand, seeing them walk together
– this is the moment and ties in death is sweetness

Big dreams can be practical and immediate.
– sometimes it’s just being led by the spirit and taking them (the students) by the hand.

Life and death, for myself or for others is not in my hands.
– the breath I take each moment is because God says it is mine to have but the moment he chooses not to give me another I will cease to breathe and I have no control over that.

My life and Francis’ has more in common than I ever knew. Kinda cool.

Thoughts from passion pt.1


2011
04.02

1- I’ve lived in a way that reflects that in my mind grace is for everyone but me. Which I believe means I’m far more angry at myself than I am God.

2- the students I serve have become my God. I run to their call, their desires, I let their will dictate my own, and it’s all because I love them with everything I am. Though I should continue to love them with everything I can. They are improperly positioned in my life. This MUST change.

3- I believe adults become more passive because they forget to dream big.

4- God has given me dreams and talents and they largely go unused due to fear. This too must change.