In honor of a special little boy who was born 11 years ago today here is a letter that I sent to him for a memory book he is getting as part of his bday present. Happy bday Caleb!
My most significant memory of you, Caleb, will always be when you were a month old. You see I hung out with you a lot during that first month but I refused to hold you because I was scared. No one really knew that because I would play it off like it was no big deal when I was asked to hold you. I would say, “not right now,” or “let so-and-so hold him” in order to avoid actually holding you.
When you were born, it was a big deal! It was a huge answer to prayer for your mom and dad. And I too had been praying for you for a long time. When you were born it felt like the world around me changed for the better. It felt like my life was going right for the first time and God had showed up in a big way and i was afraid to mess it up. I thought I could break you if I held you the wrong way, or i was going to drop you, but even more frightening to me was that I knew when I would finally hold you that I would bare a new responsibility in my life to watch over you as a brother and I didnt know if I was ready for that.
But April 11th, 2000 you and I were hanging out and I was just chilling in your room talking and your mom asked if I wanted to take you out of your crib and hold you. I of course said no thanks. She kind of gave me one of her classic “c’mon, really?” looks and then it shifted to a face that showed she was clearly putting the pieces together in her mind. At that moment I knew she had caught on to my scheme. “have you even held him yet?”, she asked. I responded stating my fears and she was great about helping me realize that I needed to get over myself and just hold you.
As she placed your little body in my arms my heart was thumping, hands shaking, and mind racing. But the minute I held you this crazy peace came over me. I knew it was going to be ok. My hands stopped shaking, my heart was filled with an intense love, and my mind was full of dreams of all the things we would do together in the future. I knew I held a gift from God in my arms that day and was amazed at how clearly he answered my prayers. I went home later that day and I couldn’t stop thanking God for you and your special life. I wrote down two quotes and eventually put them in a frame ( that I still have today) with the picture of me holding you that day.
First quote is from Jeremiah 29:11- “For I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you a hope and a future.”
The other is from a song talking about God answering prayers “Left me not alone when I did not believe, through the darkness you answer me”
It took me a month to hold you, but after I finally did you and I were nearly inseparable. We watched tv together, we played silly games together, you helped me pick up girls at target, we took naps together, we ate Dino nuggets together, we would chase “evil Dr. Zoee” together, we played in the park together, we would “fix” some of your toys when they broke together, we would ride in the “la bamba” and “ice cube” together, and the list could go on.
Things have definitely changed since those days, but 2 things haven’t. 1) my love for you. Through everything I’ve still loved you and consider you my favorite person in the world. 2) that your life still symbolizes that God is still a miracle worker and still answers the prayers of His people. If you ever begin to doubt that God is there, stop and remember that your very life is a clear representation that God is real and active! I love you little bubba.
Love always,
Eron (erwin)